With Recent Events... Comes Uncertainty
The reason I started this blog is to write the things I don't want to put directly on my social media. I have no problem being open with my thoughts but I'm sure it would run so many people off, and just upset others. Anyway I've noticed most people just ignore my blogs anyway...
The truth is I've been barely hanging on to hope. There's no where to turn for good advice or help when you get right down to it. I haven't known who to trust for so long. I've been in so many self-destructive patterns, how does the cycle end?
I lost my job at Village Inn last month at a time when things were looking so much better. I could see it coming though, but that didn't matter. The bosses there had it in for me for quite some time, even going as far as planning to get rid of me behind back talking to the corporate offices. It's difficult for me to keep my opinions to myself when my bosses act like dipshits and leave me with having to accept responsibility for their shortcomings and mess ups to the customers... Just messed up shit! Before I lost that job, I had money put away and had been acquiring some music equipment and computer stuff so I could finally get to a place where I could thrive. Now, it seems like everything is up in the air again. It's like I took three steps forward and now, I feel I've lost so much ground and that I'm on the verge of losing everything. I was able to pay my utilities but I didn't have enough for rent... Damn, and just a month and half ago, everything looked so bright. I've kept myself in a decent head space until recently. The hardest thing's daily survival, I mean I've got nothing to fall back on... at least I've got a job...
*I put myself in this position, I get what I deserve and Karma's a bitch* I've heard it all... I tend to get that sort of thing reiterated by those supposedly closest to me... I swear the attitude of most people can tear you up and make you feel even worse. Negativity from others has always bred negativity in me... It's got so bad this time that I've broken ties with my mother, which I didn't want and was terribly difficult. My mother made sure to tell me everything she believes is wrong with me before she told me to never contact her again... I mean I'm not saying that I disagree with her but it didn't help me at all. Actually it hurt to the core, but I had to ask her for help for the sake of my wife and son . This last month, I've just barely kept from my wife and son too, I mean honestly... if I can't keep a residence, I'd never want them living on the streets with me...
Several times in the last week, I've thought about giving up on playing music and just erase all my music sites. It shocks me even to write that or say that but I need to express it..; I love my music, playing guitar, writing songs, producing videos, and doing artwork... but I can honestly say I've got less than nothing back from it.... I love it but it doesn't love me back. That sort of thing as an artist can kill you on the inside. I get angry because I find myself wanting to work on music or making movies but can't even muster up the energy to do it. I feel like every time I invest time, money and energy into music that I just screw myself over and lose out. I can't manage to keep equipment anyway, I mean when the shit hits the fan, of course, the guitars, keyboards, and drums are always the first to go. I've decided not to give up, when someone like me gets to doing well it happens right before a big downward turn. But why does the downside always take me so far down. I guess I'll never understand completely.
I have determination enough to not give up luckily. Will life be like this until I die? I sure hope not, especially for my wife and son's sake. I don't consider myself a bad person, and I don't ever go out of my way screw people over and I try extremely hard to just get the negative thoughts and feelings out of me as quickly as possible. I don't feel like a victim or that anyone owes me a damn thing. Honestly, I just think that life's not easy for anyone but some people are just never going to get ahead in life, for very long. I'm sure the problem lies somewhere inside of me and I'll always be oblivious to it... if that's true, ignorance is truly not bliss.
I'm a strange guy, and I definitely overthink shit. I'm done holding these thoughts inside myself... I don't think that keeping my negativity inside myself has ever done any good. So, there it is... a piece of the downright dark and negative side of myself... I don't think anyone will read this but if you do, just know that I'm okay, I won't do anything stupid and I hopefully will be doing much better soon...
I love my wife and son, they are my main reason for wanting to do my best, despite the grim situations and negativity of others outside our little family...
-Jimi Peak
